This is where I am at. My mother just had two more strokes that have left her almost unable to walk even with a walker. The doctor had prescribed medicine to help prevent strokes and even though I lay out the pills both my mother and father take during a day to assure they are getting the correct medicine, my mother stopped taking the pill to prevent strokes. I didn’t know this. Every day all the pills I laid out for morning, noon and night were always gone. I assumed she was taking it. Instead she was throwing it in the garbage bin.
My father who has one kidney that is working at about 30% has stopped seeing his kidney doctor because he has taken a sudden dislike to one of the nicest doctors I have ever met. My father has dementia and is often difficult to deal with. I can’t force him to go to the doctor. At the same time my mother had her two strokes, both in a 5 hour period, dad fell ill with the usual urinary infection he gets that has landed him in the hospital 6 times already. I had to fight with him to go to his regular doctor and get the blood and urine tests to confirm the diagnosis. At the time his fever was at 102 degrees. This infection, which he lets run rampant in his system has nearly killed him twice because he refused medical attention. Taking him to the doctor meant leaving my mother alone because I was unable to get her to the car to go with us due to the strokes.
I put her in bed and told her to stay their until dad and I got back. I also asked her to contact her doctor and tell him what happened. She refused to do the latter and even at this moment she still has not contacted him. I can’t call her doctor because he doesn’t accept calls from non-patients. He doesn’t really accept calls from his patients either but I thought having two strokes in one day may be significant enough to get the nurse to put her through to him. She refuses to take the medicine for strokes because it makes her mouth dry and her hair dry. I try to tell her these are minor issues and both can be remedied with conditioner for her hair and stuff for dry mouths. She refuses to cooperate.
Today is going to be another struggle with them. Mom can no longer use the shower/bath tub as she can’t lift her legs to get into the tub. We need to install a walk in shower for a handicapped person with railings and seating. Both mom and dad are fighting me on this saying they are not going to live long enough to make real use of it. This from people who bathe every day.
I am doing my best to try and keep them in their house as long as possible. They refuse to have any nursing assistant or medical care person come in and help them. This is where I am at and it feels pretty miserable.
I am so sorry that you are going through such a hard time. It is especially difficult when people you love aren’t willing to help care for them as one would want to.
Sadly there is no simple or good solution. Perhaps in this situation it is necessary to consider a care place, if possible at all?
Very sad that they seemed to have lost the will to live 😦
Maybe one day we will feel the same, hard to say without walking in their shoes
I wish I could offer more comforting thoughts…
What alot to deal with. So difficult for you. Best of luck with everything.
Oh, how I wish there was something I could do or say that would help resolve some of this. Thinking of you and commiserating with you is all I have to offer, and I know it is superficial help at best.
The whole doctor won’t talk to you thing makes me angry. He should know that with that patient, speaking to a daughter or other family member is necessary.
My heart is there with you, friend.
And I recommend the simplest of knitting right now, nothing masochistic!
I am a complete stranger and feel quite awkward reading such an intimate heartbreaking story. I signed up for a knitting blog after all!
On another level we’re all human with a lot of common problems to deal with. Even though I do not know you I would like to offer a hug and make you a nice warm drink in the hope of making you feel better. You’re amazingly strong and brave, even if you’re not feeling it now.
A step at a time, even when the going gets tough, is the motto of hill walkers. There is even a name of the technique, translated from Italian it’s called “a tired cow walk”, when you make tiny steps almost without lifting your feet. But you’re moving forward and you will get there. Sorry if it’s all trite and you know it already, not trying to teach you to suck eggs.
Hope you get through to your mum! Dad is obviously going to be very difficult…
I am so sorry that you are dealing with all this. It sounds a bit heartless but you will need to make the decision to get a health aide in to help. It does your parents no good if you fall ill due to the stress of taking care of them. An intermediate step might be to get their Health Power of Attorney, then you can give a copy to their doctors and actually act in their best interests by discussing the problems with the doctors. The saying of “put your mask on first” is very appropriate right now. Both my mother and mother-in-law are getting to this stage so I can easily imagine how hard this is for you.
Oh my heart!! If you are feeling ‘pretty miserable’ that seems to me to be an understatement. Your medical support sucks quite frankly and I would love you to consider getting help from other quarters. You can’t do this on your own. If your mum has decided she no longer wishes to take pharmaceuticals or see those doctors, that is really her prerogative and I wonder if, rather than force her to do it your way, maybe you could get help to find out what she really wants. One of the other commenters mentioned putting on your own air mask first, do that. Self care isn’t selfish, it’s a priority. Sending you a big warm virtual hug, please look after yourself too xoxo
I am so sorry you are having to deal with that. I’m having something of a rough time myself – my husbsnd has dementia – but he is fairly compliant. All my sympathises. Strength and blessings.
Oh hon I am so sorry. My MIL is going through some similar stuff with her mum who is bipolar. It’s just awful. I pray that you find some relief and discern a way forward soon.
I am so sorry to hear this. You need help. There should be a form you can have your mother sign so the doctor will talk to you. The doctors office would be a good place to start for getting help.
I’m going to keep you and your parents in my thoughts.
Thank you. At the moment mom is in the hospital and dad is still at home. I am watching over him like a mother hen. I don’t expect her to leave the hospital any time soon.
thank you.
thank you. Mom is in the hospital right now and I don’t expect that if she is ever released that it will be back to her home. Dad is home alone and I am constantly monitoring him. I expect his situation will go down hill without the stimulation mom provided. In short, I am prepared for the worst.
I am sorry you felt awkward. This is a knitting blog. But I just had to write from where I am at right now. Thank you for your comment. A tired cow walk is exactly where I am at now.
Thank you. Yes I need to put my mask on first. It all seems to be falling apart very quickly.
Thank you. Mom is in the hospital and Dad is alone in the house. I am monitoring him like a mother hen. It all seems to be going down hill quickly.
Thank you. It is very hard right now.
Thank you. It seems to be falling apart rapidly now. Mom went into the hospital yesterday and I don’t see that she will be released anytime soon. Dad is alone at home and this is not good for him. So I am closely monitoring him.
Thank you. Mom went to the hospital yesterday and I assume it will be a long stay and if she is ever released it will be to a nursing home. Dad is alone and this is worrisome. I am monitoring him constantly.
I’m so sorry. Praying you will find a way through.
Wow, how overwhelming. I am so sorry!!
Oh, dear! I hope that things don’t go wrong as fast as you expect. Maybe your mom will get released to a place that can care for her, and tour dad can go there too. That would relieve a huge part of your burden, knowing they are cared for. Then you could get more sleep and do the things that they need doing more easily.
Thank you. I need all the prayers I can get.
Thank you.
Sterkte, as we say in South Africa. It just means ‘strength’. All the best. I’m keeping you in my prayers.
Thank you.
Hey I know it’s been a week. I think of you every time I open my wordpress app. How are you doing?
Thank you Rebecca. Mom has been in the hospital with uncontrollable blood pressure. Dad, with his dementia, was confused and it took me a few days to get him to understand where she was. The blood pressure is not fully under control but they moved mom to a rehab facility that is closer to dad and easier for him to get to. She still can’t walk with her left leg and it seems she has lost most of her will to try and get better even though she knows dad is lost without her. She was the one who put order in his days. Though I spend most of my time with him during the day, he cries every time he realizes she is not there and may not ever be coming home. It breaks my soul and heart when he does this and I am so powerless to heal his pain. Right now she needs full nursing care. I take him to see her and he tries to get her motivated to want to live. Lately I have noticed some changes in his health and he is resisting going to the doctor. It seems it’s time to think of placing them both is a nursing home which means selling the house they’ve know for 65 years as well as selling my great-grandmother’s home which is over 100 years old and is a place I love and feel safe in. It is where I most feel my family that has passed like my grandmother and grandfather, my great aunt, and my great grandmother. Something has to be done because dad’s memory and physical state is starting to go down hill too. Mom is his anchor and no matter how hard I try I cannot fill that role for him. I am trying to do as you said “find my way through” all this. I think of those words every day and often. I am trying to remain open and not resistant to the changes I need to make within myself to get through this. At this point, God is certainly doing for me what I am not able to do for myself. I trust Him and have turned my will and life over to His care that He may help me through this because at times I certainly feel I am lost and am losing everything I have ever loved. I trust He will share with me the serenity, strength, and wisdom I need to get through this a day at a time. Thank you for asking. I don’t think I will write much about it in my blog as I got some negative feedback saying that they signed up for a knitting blog and sharing where I am at did not meet that standard. So I will try to stay with knitting and spinning and sound like everything is just fine behind the scenes. Unfortunately I am not good at being duplicitous. Thank you again for asking.
Wow you are giving your parents such a gift by staying so close to them in this season of loss. There is a “through” and an “other side” to this season, though it sounds like there’s a lot of hurt before getting there. I don’t know what business I have talking about it since I barely remember that most days. But I’m glad my words helped. God is so faithful in these times. I understand not wanting to post about it when you get feedback like that. I am not on insta right now but you’re on slack right?
Thank you. I don’t know what slack is so I am not on it.
Oh ok I was confused! I must just know you through here and instagram. Well please know I am thinking of you and lifted up you and your parents in church this morning.
Rebecca, that is so very kind of you. Thank you so much. We need the help.
I found your blog while searching for help with fit in knitting socks.
I see that as of your last post you were going through a dreadful time trying to care for your parents, and no posts since.
I hope you are doing well—personally, I mean. Caring for aging parents with major health issues including dementia is so taxing in every way that it can completely sideline one’s own life and health concerns. No one gives us a guidebook for getting through this and it can be very isolating. From my own experience I can only say try to take care of your own health as best you can in the midst of all this so it will be there for you later, after this time of extreme difficulty. I wish you strength, perseverance and peace on this road.
THank you. While things have gotten worse, I am hoping to start blogging again. I miss it and I miss my blogging friends.
I’ve just stumbled into your blog while looking for information on sizing for babies knitwear, which is a brilliant resource. Thank you for writing it. I was sad to hear what you are going through. Life has a way of throwing us some curved balls at times. You sound like a very strong lady dealing with very difficult situations. Hang on in there and know there are people thinking about you and sending you lots of positive energy and prayers to help you find your way through it all. Take care and hope that things are getting less stressful and difficult for you. Hugs xx