Archive for December 18th, 2015

The Talking Car

Today is the last post of 2015. I hope it is not the last post of my life, however. Oral surgery is on the list of must-do-things today. I wasn’t even going to touch the computer today, much less get on the internet because I am madly struggling not to google “oral surgery deaths”.  But the new car I have sends me emails after I drive it and I was curious as to what it said after yesterday’s little fiasco.

Yes, it seems privacy even while driving has gone the way of Latin as an everyday language. When I got in the little devil yesterday it said “Welcome”. I thought I was having an auditory hallucination, but the screen on the dash also lit up with the word. I hadn’t even put the key in the ignition yet, all I’d done was sit in the seat. I was wary. I didn’t want to touch anything.

It was raining out, pouring actually, but I needed to run some errands, not the least of which was to gather enough food for The Skipper and Yarn Rascal to see them through at least a week should I die in oral surgery. So I talked myself into being brave and turned on the car. It told me it was raining and the roads were wet. How did it think I would miss that info? Did it think I teleported into the car? Am I so bind I can’t see the rain on the windshield?

After locating the windshield wiper gizmo I put the car in drive and it told me the ideal goal of the amount of gas per mile it wanted to use today if we were running errands around town and the ideal goal for highway driving. I’m counting down the last hours of my life trying to get my ducks in order and it’s worried about gas mileage.

It’s holiday time. Store parking lots are crowded. I spent a good amount of time just cruising slowly looking for a parking space. The car doesn’t like this type of driving. The slower I go the more gas I use and the less mileage I get. I was messing up it’s stated goals for the day.

The next shocker to it’s system was when I got caught in a traffic jam. A normal 15 minute drive took an hour and a half. The car was not happy.

Should I live through today’s oral surgery, the first item on my must-do list will be to take the talking car to the dealer and see whether we can deactivate it’s gas mileage fixation before it becomes my gas mileage phobia.

Oh yes, the car did send me an email summing up our little outing yesterday. Seems I didn’t reach the gas mileage goal, but I did use the windshield wipers properly. Air tire pressure was good as was the amount of oil and transmission fluids. It alerted me that I was nearing half a tank of gas. Half a tank of gas is plenty for a person facing imminent death.


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