Wake to sound of dog retching.
Start day over. In kitchen, get ready to have breakfast. Suddenly hear dog crunching and know nothing he normally eats would sound like that. Whip head around, pull neck muscle, pour cereal onto counter instead of into bowl.
Move to living room. Pick up remote, press button to turn on television. Notice popping sound, bright flash across screen, followed by burning smell. Rip all wires out of back of non-working tv to prevent fire.
See dog steal disconnected USB cord. Chase to retrieve cord before dog eats that too. Count this as the day’s aerobic exercise.
Lay out clothes to wear. Get ready to shower, step over child safety gate that keeps dog out of bathroom so he doesn’t dig up more tile and eat the grout, flick on bathroom light, light bulb blows out.
Find ladder. Find correct light bulb. Realize day is getting away from me. Feel pressure start to build.
Step out of shower and while drying off see expensive mastectomy bra lying in hallway. In fear that dog has destroyed expensive breast prosthesis, attempt to hurdle over child safety gate without a running start to save what is left, knowing that even in high school hurdles were impossible to accomplish.
After making sure no bones are broken, realize dog only chewed tag off bra. Feel luck changing.
Ready and dressed decide to venture forth and buy replacement for tv and camera.
Sit in traffic.
Begin to understand the universe is not with me today.
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